It's been a very long time since I've bothered writing anything in this thing. I'm bored, so whatever.

It's pretty interesting how vastly different I am from the Meaghan I was in highschool, lol. I hated highschool, probably why I haven't bothered with college cause its just makes me think of it as a repeated nightmare. I've had a hard time trying to stick to one thing, I think I've decided to go for photography. Yeah, it seems like a pretty dead end type of job to me, seems like only a few photographers ever really make enough to live. I don't care to make big bucks.. I just want some money to take care of myself with. But who knows if I'd even have an eye for something like that... we'll see.

Onto other things, it's pretty lol to remember some shitty times I went through during highschool. Man, gotta love that drama. At that point in time, I thought to myself "wow this is so fucking awful, how will I ever make it out?" but I did, and now I look back it's such a joke. I remember spending Halloween alone one time because of some things that happened between an ex an mine and I couldn't hang out with the same people, to avoid drama. Well, I wasn't exactly alone, I hung out with this crazy fucked up chick. I don't really care if she knows or not either. What a sad girl, but I guess misery loves company huh? It's pretty true. Good thing I saw past it all finally and cut out the bads in my life. I remember babysitting drunk and drugged up kids at my ex's house..... looooooooooool. How stupid of me to care about people who don't care about themselves. So pathetic. It's funny, after my ex and I broke up for the final time, I found out about his super cool drug habits.. that all my friends knew as well. What did I do about that? I cut them out of my life as well =] and never trusted any of them ever again. I have no room for people bringing me down in my life.. no thanks.

I'm not really bitter about the past, I mean I was for a LONG time. I was really angry. I didn't speak to anyone. I met David awhile after the ex situation, and even though that relationship didn't work out it wasn't a bitter breakup. But after my ex I didn't think I could ever find someone who would love me again. Yeah, it's an awful thing to think but I was really really really REALLY low about myself. That relationship kind of helped me through, even though I was slightly depressed about losing him. I mention mainly relationships because it's what I've been primarily through.. like the longest I've been single since I was a teenager was actually more recently of probably half a year. I guess its my way of measuring phases of my life.

Then more recently after David, was Chris who isn't a bad guy at all. Just not for me. I still do feel pretty bad at times about the way I treated him. I felt so awful, half way through our relationship of 2 years I realized I didn't really love him, but I couldn't get the courage to tell him and break it off. He treated me way too good. Has an awesome good paying job, nice car, his own place (sorta), pretty much the basics you'd want in a person. But I just couldn't find much else of what I was looking for, in him. Probably the first time I had broken up with someone, it was terrible but needed to be done and I realized I didn't have to let people control my life anymore. I've been happier since then.

I've lost a few friends... well except one, but we still hardly ever talk. Supposedly I'm 100% to blame for the most recent one with a different friend, which I find funny. Some people feel high and mighty and seem to think that they are always right and fuck you if you might have a say at anything. It sucks that we are no longer friends, but guess what... I can't be the same person I was in highschool, and neither can you. You can't judge my problems and I can't judge yours. Just because I don't have a child doesn't make me less of an adult. Strange how time changes people 360, but sadly nothing I can really do about it. I know a lot of it is my fault, I know this for a fact. I've been a pretty terrible friend... but don't ever not think that it might have been reciprocated. All in all, all I can really do is move on and live for myself and do what is right for me.

And who knows whats right for me, I certainly don't. Ideally.. I'd like to move by the city in the upcoming years. Rome is dead. There's nothing here. I have nothing holding me back. Maybe after 2 years of MVCC I'll leave and figure out from there. But these are all dreams and I do that a lot... dream and not really react. I really hope I can overcome and finally make myself who I am. People talk all the time about having to find themselves, or that they have to put the "puzzle" together. I don't think it's meant to be like that. Nothing is clear, coherent, perfect, in this world. We are living, breathing, beings that just want to feel alive. We feel alive through Depression. Anxiety. Despair. Anger. Happiness. Joy. Bliss. Giving a homeless person a meal. Getting into a fight with a family member. Being intimate with someone. Crying over the death of a loved one. Giving birth to a new one. Saying good bye to someone you will never see again. Taking care of a beloved pet. Looking through old photos of yourself. This is your life, and its an endless cycle of chaos, renewal, death, it's all a cycle, there is no puzzle, no missing pieces. You do not find yourself... you create yourself.

Speaking earlier in the previous paragraph of dreams, the dreams that I do remember, they usually have the same theme. I'm running from something or someone or running to some location unknown to me. I don't think I want to run anymore.